I lost my artistic self. I cant draw and be pleased about my drawings anymore. It used to be so much fun, but now its like Im drawing of an old habbit!
Looking back at my old drawings from when I where a kid and up til now, something deffinitly happend. Every single drawing Ive keept tells a story. A entire story is written in the lines of the characters, the background.. everything. I think the pressure got to high around me.. Every single drawing from the past year seems.. empty. its like I am pulling myself down, but cant seem to stop.
Its school, friends, my horse, my job, my clubs, my writing, my style, my opinions.. It just bubbles up and get to much. This where never supposed to happen.. I where supposed to be a perfectly fine, happy 20 years old. But im misserable. I cant go on like this, and looking back on my artistic work, its like I have been telling myself over and over again that something is seriously wrong? Its like my life is a gigantic bubble so stuffed that i cant breathe in it.
So what should I focus on? What can I quit?
I want to focus on me and my horse.
Im not happy about my studies.
I have to have a job to keep my horse.
I should stop engaging myself in different clubs.
I want to draw, but I dont have the energi.
I want to write, but falls asleep before Ive written a page.
I should be hanging more out with friends and enjoying myself, but when I have a day off, I dont want to do anything.
If I can, I will sleep forever, I will lie on the couch the entire day, I will stare at my moms dog and thinking we should go out for a walk, but we dont and then I feel bad, 'couse I should be in the stable, but the horse is not well, and shes getting older and Im scared for bad news and the wounded feeling I have around her, I want her to be happy but she cant because her body isnt working as it should and she wants to run, galopp, play, go for walks and get callenged. And this gigantic cloud is henging over my head, even though great news came, telling me my mare is gonna be better than ever, but the treatment is expensiv. We have started, but all this means that I now have to give up my dreams of getting my own appartment and are going to live with my parents till fall, when I hopefully will attend a different college, who will make me live at campus.. wich cost money.. I dont have, and what to be done with my four legged beauty then? Who is so comfertable at the stable she is now? On top of all this, my dad is wery clear on the fact that I should be dept free after college, even though we could be talking about up ti five years of studying here! Lifes a bitch!
I feel like a zombie. And its hard beeing a zombie when you know some of the most important desitions in your life is just days ahead.
Good luck to all of you, per today, it seems like Im gonna need it.